Irrationally Rational Red Flags

People will tell you a lot of crap over your lifetime. Most of it is myth created by people who want to be nice, and are willing to discard credibility in favor of a cliché. One example of popularly peddled crap is the idea that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Untrue.

If you’ve lived as a single Mormon long enough, you know that you can—and should—judge books by their covers. It’s remarkable how simple attention to detail can let you know your prospective partner is probably a nutcase. If you meet a boy who still parts his hair months after returning from his mission, for example, you’re probably safe in betting that Disney and Anthony Lloyd Webber have informed most of his ideology, and he is therefore highly unlikely to take you to go see the remake of Fright Night (which was excellent, by the way). And the girl who perpetually comments in Sunday School about everything from daily prayer to homosexuality probably won’t laugh at your “That’s What She Said” joke. It’s a handy little tool.

Here’s my list of my top five red flags when it comes to Mormon men.

1. A Cappella Groups Really? Harmonizing with other guys in dapper outfits while snapping your fingers and grinning cheeky grins? It’s not just a gay thing, I promise. It’s more like I don’t want you renting a tandem bicycle and taking me to the soda shop for our first date. If you’re going to sing, please get a guitar and grow an awesome folk beard. Besides, Osama bin Laden was once in an a cappella group. And you know what he went on to do…

2. New Balance Tennis Shoes Whenever men wear these, I feel like they’re 90 percent more likely to have an unhealthy relationship with their mother. Actually, the same goes for pretty much all white tennis shoes worn with non-gym clothes. I’m not sure why.

3. Economics Nuts I banned these guys pretty early on in my BYU career. Fanatical lovers of free market capitalism just don’t tend to be very nice people—and I could never be with a man who’s still bitter about the scholarship he wasn’t eligible for because he was a white, middle-class male.

4. Band Frontmen This one is teetering pretty close the edge of who I am attracted to, so I have to be careful. I love creative men—sometimes to the point of fatal attraction, unfortunately. But it’s a double-edge sword. Men with bands (and bands they promote heavily) are also a lot more likely to be massive tools. You’re probably not going to get a record deal, so can we all take a step back and stop taking ourselves so seriously? Please? Please?

5. “Forever Strong” Fans I know this is an extremely narrow category, but I feel very strongly about it. I loathe this movie. It’s clichéd feel-goodery at its worst, and a thin guise for promoting the kind of LDS snobbery I wish we could get rid of. And trust me, I’m not just cynical. Richard Curtis is my hero.

Of course, judging books by covers goes both ways, and there are a lot of random qualities that make me say “Caitlin, you’re going to fancy this one.” I might list those on my next post. We’ll see.

What about you? What are your red flags? Leave a comment, I’d love to know!