The Trouble With Love Is

When I was younger, angrier, and slightly more obnoxious than I am now, I wrote a blog post where I detailed six or seven stereotypes of men I found around BYU. It was pretty dumb and self-indulgent, but it made a few of my friends laugh, and my friend Stephen even wrote a companion piece about the women at BYU, which was pretty funny. Now that I’m a bit nicer, I decided to redo it in more of a light-hearted manner.

If you meet with any of these men, proceed with caution.

1. The Sweet Bro. This is the guy that comes into your ward during summer sales season. He’s tan, built, and wears polos and hair gel like it’s 2003. His favorite activities include beach volleyball, going to the gym, and blasting Jimmy Eat World in his unnecessarily expensive car. He has dreams of launching a small start-up company that will eventually rival Google itself. Identified by his gratuitous use of the words “sweet” and “bro.” Oh, and he probably also owns an iPhone.

2. So Hipster It Hurts. This guy is the Sweet Bro’s nemesis, except the Sweet Bro doesn’t really know or care about the rivalry. Easily identifiable by his black framed glasses and excessive Wes Anderson references, So Hipster it Hurts thrives on witty comments he spent time creating in his bedroom. He listens to bands you’ve probably heard of, which he still likes to think of as obscure, and dreams of marrying an LDS version of Natalie Portman a la Garden State. Of course, being Mormon, he’s probably not as cutting edge or as culturally literate as he likes to think he is, but that makes him sort of ironic. And hipsters love irony.

3. The Benevolent Sexist. The Benevolent Sexist is kind of difficult to classify, because he can inhabit a few different social circles. More or less, he’s identifiable by his long-winded and heartfelt discussions about how special and unique women are. He likes to talk about how he’s going to treat his future wife like a queen, and makes sure all of the women at Break the Fast get their casserole first. Other than being mildly nauseating, the Benevolent Sexist’s ‘gross factor’ lies with his terrible, hypocritical opinion and treatment of women who fall from the platform on which he places them.

4. Arrested Development. No, not that Arrested Development, unfortunately. LDS Arrested Development works a dead-end job and comes home to play fantasy football or first-person shooter games on his X Box. He graduated school years ago, but he still likes to put apple beer bottles in his window and engage in prank wars with the 19-year-old girls in the ward. Arrested Development can be a pretty entertaining guy, but he always finds a way to wriggle out of commitment and leave you feeling like a needy marriage snare, even though all you wanted was a nice boyfriend to take you to the movies on the weekends.

5. X=Why? This guy is a dying breed, unfortunately, because he’s pretty fun to watch. X=Why? loves computer programming/physics/his calculator more than life itself, and doesn’t find it inappropriate to discuss this infatuation on a date. He can make some pretty first-rate math puns, if you’ve got the stomach for it, and is somehow absurdly confident. He’s spotted by his New Balance tennis shoes, braided leather belt, and prematurely balding mane.

Luckily there’s a lot of guys in the church who don’t fit into these categories, so I recommend grabbing one of those, sitting in the stands, and watching the rest of the crowd try to navigate the dangerous sea of romance. I’ve heard it’s a ship worth sailing.